Oh Billy (New Roommates)

Many of you know that my former roommate, Matt, has left me to spend this coming semester in Canada so that he can be closer to his fiancée Emma. That means I’ll be getting a new roommate, Peter. While the prospects of many new adventures and funny stories are certain, this has caused me to reflect on experiences I’ve had with past roommates that have enriched my life…

Exactly two years ago this semester, I moved into The Lodges at Glenwood here in Provo. I already knew the semester and my roommates would be interesting since the window had the words Animal House painted on the living room window. Then I met my new roommates. They were all really cool and we were all very different. Most different than all was Billy. Billy was a lacrosse player for BYU and it seemed, at least to me, that he may have been beaten in the head one too many times with a lacrosse stick. Though there are many memories I’d like to share about my friend Billy, I think I’d like to share my personal favorite first.

It was a pleasant afternoon and I found myself engaged in an engaging conversation with my other roommate, Winston, in my room. All was fine and calm until… “OH SHIZ!” Only the word we heard wasn’t shiz. The origin of the profanity: Billy, from the bathroom. Winston and I glanced at each, both in shock and confusion. After a brief pause, Winston inquired what had happened. Billy replied that he dropped the roll of toilet paper into the toilet while wiping. Again, there was a moment of awkward silence until Winston once again asked how that was possible. You see, the roll was new and should have been sufficiently wide enough to not have fallen in if you were still seated upon the throne… not that that is a common occurrence. That’s when Billy gave the only plausible response there could be, “I had to stretch!”

After a short laugh of disgust, confusion, and amazement I told Billy that would place a plastic bag outside the bathroom so that he could place the soiled roll of TP into the bag and run it to the dump outside as soon as he was finished. We thought the incident was over. That’s when, after about five more minutes, Billy exited the bathroom bagless and proceeded to the living room without washing his hands. More baffled and disgusted than ever, I asked where the roll of TP was. Billy then gave another logical answer, “I put it on the shelf to dry off.” Sure enough, there was a roll of soiled TP on the shelf of the restroom drying off. Needless to say, Winston and I reprimanded our friend Billy and the situation was resolved.

So, with this new semester approaching and new roommates to meet, I hope we all get a new Billy in our lives that can shift our paradigms just a little bit and provide us with the kind of stories we will remember for years to come.